Olive Garden is Great
By Mitt Romney
Let me tell you, this place is great. Is this where you folks normally eat? Only when you’re broke, that’s right. Heh.
Ann and I sat in a booth near the kitchen. There was a fireplace, a real old-fashioned hearth, in the corner, and a nice vase on the ledge. I love décor; napkins are great. The ice water was just the right temperature.
At length, I asked my server what she would recommend. She suggested chicken alfredo, and I was feeling a little rebellious so I ordered the chicken alfredo pizza. I love chicken—I love grilled chicken, I love broiled chicken, I love chicken scampi! Poultry is great. I told Ann, I said, “Did you know chickens came from dinosaurs?” And Ann just kind of shrugged. I said, “I’m being serious, Ann, not just a few of them, but olive them.” Aha. Alright, okay.
The pizza comes with Italian cheeses, alfredo sauce, and scallions. I told our server—Maria, I think her name was—I said, “Margaret, hold the Italian cheeses, alfredo sauce, and scallions.” Then I took my fork and removed the chicken from the pizza and discarded it, and then I cut the flatbread into manageable portions, and I trimmed the edges off the crust, and consumed them. Forks are my favorite utensil. I also like butter knives.
I’ve got to tell you, Ann and I went to a place in Tuscany last fall that was just like this. Well I shouldn’t say it was exactly like this. That one was was on a veranda overlooking the Mediterranean and bordered on two sides by an actual olive garden. The servers were dressed in authentic Renaissance attire, and the food was prepared fresh by a 13th-generation Italian chef whose great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather sold olive oil to Michelangelo’s grandson until they had a falling-out. I don’t quite remember the full story; something about a goat. They had a fireplace too but this one was real, not electric, and burned only lumber that had been salvaged from Phoenician wrecks. The wood gave off a faint scent of mahogany mixed with sturgeon; I love logs. You should have seen the bill—we almost went baroque! Aha, okay, ahem.
I told Ann, I said, I don’t usually eat fast food, but this is pretty good. Ann didn’t think I should say that.
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is a nationally recognized commentator on food and culture, and a Republican candidate for president. Follow him on Twitter@MittRomney.
Dean did show up to deliver the opening prayer at the Minnesota House wearing a white track suit, and on Wednesday he arrived at his own press conference to announce said $50 million lawsuit wearing a black Minnesota Twins jersey. In fairness, it was a button-down.
Anti-gay heavy-metal minister Bradlee Dean is suing Rachel Maddow—who should be on Tumblr—for $50 million for, among other things, making fun of his physical appearance. What’s there to make fun of? (via motherjones)
Michele Bachmann spent $4,700 on hair and makeup
Since entering the presidential race, Michele spent nearly $4,700 on hair and makeup. As Andrew Kroll puts it: she spent more in two weeks than a middle-class American family earns in a month.
According to Mother Jones, “records show her campaign made three payments of $1,715, $250, and $2,704 to a Maryland-based stylist named Tamara Robertson” whose previous employers include Fox News and the Gingrich’s.
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