Can I be blunt? I really need Gabrielle Union to be my sassy best friend. [out]

1. Just like y’all don’t wanna be fashion designers, we don’t all wanna be your tortured muses.

2. When we show up at one of your fabulous parties, please refrain from asking ‘Who brought the fish?’

3. Let’s make a deal: You don’t call during Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t call during Ugly Betty.

4. Don’t ask to borrow my skinny jeans — and then tell me they’re too big.

5. Techno music? Really?

6. When I ask you how I look, avoid using ‘Cute,’ ‘You remind me of my mother,’ and ‘Time to get your weave tightened.’

7. Just because you won’t sleep with me doesn’t mean you can get all shy when the dinner bill comes.

8. If you know some twisty-twirly trick to speed things up in bed, don’t keep it in the gay vault. I ain’t got all night.

9. Yeah, Posh Spice really is fierce.

10. If there’s a hot new guy in your life, don’t forget to call us. And not just to borrow our flatirons.