I don’t have any male fans in person. Where are they? Why are they hiding? No one ever professes their love for me. They’re shy and afraid of me. I wish someone would just come up to me and grab my face and kiss me, but people are too chickenshit.
You heard the lady…
1. You’ll never know more about Judy Garland than I do. I have been obsessed since I was 10. And, no, not “Dorothy” Judy. I’m talking “1960s-singing-her-heart-out-at-the-fucking-Palace” Judy. Duh.
2. I don’t know what I would do without you. I definitely wouldn’t know about Manhunt, anal fissures, or where to get the best guacamole.
3. Why is my Joy Behar impersonation the only one you ever ask me to do? (I know it’s good. Shut up.)
4. Stop trying to make me wear those quilted brown leather Phillip Lim hot pants. I’m scared, and you know it.
5. I wish you had real periods so we could eat chocolate Rice Dream and watch Hocus Pocus together.
6. Thank you for giving me the courage to finally have my vagina waxed. And thank you for being gentle.
7. Please let me have your babies. Even though I am a washed-up sea hag, my womb is young and clean and in really good shape. Please.
8. Can we open up a store together where we talk people out of buying things and then make them come to our dinner parties?
9. No more dressing like a slutty sailor.
10. Remember when we got stoned and saw The Blind Side twice in a row by accident? Let’s not do that again.
Formerly of BuzzFeed.
Named one of Buzzfeed's '90 Best Tumblrs Blogs of 2011.'
Editor of Tumblr's official Celebs tag and sometimes featured in News, Politics and Television.
Once 'pulled a Gwyneth' and appeared on BuzzFeed, HuffPo and Jezebel.
Obama follows me and I'm forever humbled.
Co-creator of Texts From Hillary.