1. You’ll never know more about Judy Garland than I do. I have been obsessed since I was 10. And, no, not “Dorothy” Judy. I’m talking “1960s-singing-her-heart-out-at-the-fucking-Palace” Judy. Duh.
2. I don’t know what I would do without you. I definitely wouldn’t know about Manhunt, anal fissures, or where to get the best guacamole.
3. Why is my Joy Behar impersonation the only one you ever ask me to do? (I know it’s good. Shut up.)
4. Stop trying to make me wear those quilted brown leather Phillip Lim hot pants. I’m scared, and you know it.
5. I wish you had real periods so we could eat chocolate Rice Dream and watch Hocus Pocus together.
6. Thank you for giving me the courage to finally have my vagina waxed. And thank you for being gentle.
7. Please let me have your babies. Even though I am a washed-up sea hag, my womb is young and clean and in really good shape. Please.
8. Can we open up a store together where we talk people out of buying things and then make them come to our dinner parties?
9. No more dressing like a slutty sailor.
10. Remember when we got stoned and saw The Blind Side twice in a row by accident? Let’s not do that again.
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